The language of becoming: helping children change how they think about themselves

In this article, I describe the language of becoming, which is a way of speaking to children that enables them to see themselves as continually evolving and changing. By noticing and reflecting back the specific ways the child is becoming, the parent gives a meta-message that one's personality is not set in stone but, rather, evolves and changes over time. In order for parents to use the language of becoming, the child must actually act differently. I will describe a three-pronged approach to helping children try new behaviors. The language of becoming helps parents and children see the child's personality, not just his or her behavior, as fluid rather then static. This helps parents and children break the vicious circles and self-fulfilling prophesies of rigid definitions of self. An understanding of stages of cognitive development in the construction of beliefs about the self and the implications of these stages for using the language of becoming is also discussed.