Role reversal and the self-effacing solution: observations from infant-parent psychotherapy

In our culture, it is widely accepted that one of the central tasks of parenting is the promotion of psychological autonomy in one's children. For parents who have achieved a reasonable measure of psychological autonomy themselves, a flexible response to the child's dual needs for dependence and independence will support the child's need for nurturance without thwarting strivings for independent mastery. In other cases, this balance is not achieved. This paper describes a particular form of relationship disorder between parents and infants in which the major theme of the relationship is an intense and unrelenting interdependence. Parent and child are inextricably bound by a shared belief that each is essential to the other's psychological well-being. The disordered relationship is characterized by mutual anger, disappointment, and/or anxiety that makes the intense closeness mutually dissatisfying. These relationships no doubt exist on a continuum, but at the clinical extreme, which is our focus, they are conflict-ridden and painful for both parent and child.