Grandparenting: intergenerational love and hate

Grandparenthood can have multiple meanings for grandparents just as grandchildhood can have diverse meanings for grandchildren. Ideally the joys of being a grandparent help to compensate for life's sorrows, although premature grandparenthood may be experienced instead as a nuisance or even a burden if grandparents have to assume parental responsibilities. Of course, storybook grandparents including the grandfathers of Heidi, Little Lord Fauntleroy, and the Box Car Children, never seem to resent having to act as surrogate parents. They enjoy it and do a superb job of meeting their grandchildren's needs. The popularity of these stories is probably due to the vicarious pleasure they provide for children who are angry at their parents and fantasizing about more gratifying caretakers--their grandparents. Grandparents who have a good relationship with their adult children and the children's spouses are more likely to develop a gratifying relationship with their grandchildren, though occasionally grandparents and grandchildren unite against the generation in between. Children utilize grandparents as objects for identification, as links to their history and as a source of pleasure and comfort. When idealization is given up in adolescence, the grandparent-grandchild relationship often continues to be mutually accepting and relatively free of conflict. Grandparents are provided a third opportunity to resolve developmental crises as they observe and try to help grandchildren struggling with the same crisis.