Lives Penciled in, the Reality of Chronic Health Conditions and Trauma: Reflexivity, Health, and Shadowed Identities

When living with chronic health conditions or experiences of trauma our lives can become perpetually penciled in. The use of the penciled-in metaphor means to arrange our time tentatively: a date, an appointment, a meeting, seeing a movie, or attending a class. In our technologically-driven world of electronic calendars where everything is entered electronically, the utility of the pencil and hand-written agendas have all but vanished. However, for the purpose of this article, the pencil provides a metaphoric common ground to learn about the totality of the disruption experienced by living with chronic health conditions and their residual trauma. The pencil is touchable, tangible and as a researcher and a person who lives with challenging health concerns, metaphors help me to create an understanding of the chaos of living a life in pain with cancer. This article is a person-centered account of the process of reflexive coping and self-processing of pain by a pain researcher and educator. This article focuses on the metaphor of penciled-in lives to provide a qualitative account of experiences of pain from chronic health issues and the trauma both physical and emotional it causes. This act of reflexivity becomes a personal examination of life. It reveals to me my beliefs, decisions, and practices before and during my hermeneutic journey and how these may have prejudiced my thinking and behaviors.