Working with chronic and relentless self-hatred, self-harm, and existential shame: a clinical study and reflections...

This second of two papers focuses on the shame which emerged in the first 14 years of analysis of a woman who was bulimic, self-harmed, and repeatedly described herself as 'feeling like a piece of shit'. To explore this intense and pervasive shame I draw on Jung's and Laplanche's emphasis on experiences of unresolvable, non-pathological 'foreignness' or 'otherness' at the heart of the psyche. Images, metaphors, elements of clinical experience, and working hypotheses from a number of analytic traditions are used to flesh out this exploration. These include Kilborne's use of Pirandello's image of shame as like a 'hole in the paper sky' which, I suggest, points to a crack in subjectivity, and reveals our belief in the efficacy of the self to be illusory. Hultberg's observations on shame as having an existential mode (function) are also explored, as is the nature of analytic truth. Using these ideas I describe my patient's process of finding some small but freeing space in relation to her shame and self-hatred. Through enduring and learning from her shame in analysis she realized that it was part of a desperate unconscious attempt to draw close to her troubled father and so to 'love him better'.