Opening the circle of pursuit and distance

Pursuit and distance is actually a circle of stages with each partner's behavior triggering that of the other. The pursuing partner, frustrated by the withdrawn partner's unresponsiveness, shifts from pursuing to attacking. The withdrawn partner defends him/herself and in some cases attacks back, producing a third stage, attack-defend, followed by the fourth stage in which the partners, feeling injured by the exchange, go off to nurse their wounds. Eventually, and often soon, the pursuing partner again becomes distressed by the lack of emotional connection and again pursues, which triggers a repeat of the whole sequence. Couples can go on for years repeating the sequence of pursue-withdraw, attack-withdraw, attack-defend, and withdraw-withdraw. As time goes on, the pursue may drop out, as may also the attack and defend, leaving just the withdraw. Delineating these stages is particularly important in Collaborative Couple therapy, an approach based on turning the couple's immediate alienated state (pursue-withdraw, attack-withdraw, and so on) into an intimate one (engage-engage). The therapist constructs a perspective above the fray--a platform, perch, or observing couple ego--from which partners can operate as joint troubleshooters attending to problems that occur in the relationship, which, in the case of pursuit and distance, means the alienated states they circle through.